Mirror

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I can't win; I am always feeling this underlying self loathing. I don't put it on myself yet I let people put it on me. I let them twist my thoughts and penetrate my mind. That is my weakness. I let them get under my skin. They crawl around in there, poison my soul, ruin my confidence. I let their opinions guide me when really I should look at myself and realise they are destroying me to better themselves. They are breaking me down to avoid their own breakdown. They tell me what they think I don't want to hear about myself when really they are reeling off all that they hate about themselves and envy about me. I let them judge me when really the only judgment that counts is God and my own. My weakness is not enviable, it is negotiable with my mind and my mind needs to be strong but I am persuaded by them to believe these attacks. An attack is the only way to describe it. Why would you - out of nowhere- decide to list a person's negative attributes and bully them into a state of self loathing? Why would you - if you are a person with an apparently good nature - allow yourself to be a bully? It can only be because you can’t bare the reflection in the mirror every morning, looking back and telling you that you're not good enough. I tell myself this now, every time the words are uttered, that I am strong, I am good and I am not going to stoop to any kind of level that you reside on. I refuse to be you and I know this is why you hate me, because I will never be you and more importantly you will NEVER be me.

Sure Thing

I have finally erased you, or so I feel. My heart is no longer yours to steal. Reading over the letters that I thought were written in truth have made me realise how low you would stoop. The lesson has been learnt and my feelings along with the letters have been burned. Goodbye former memories and a brief crush, the word I use because to call it anything else would be too much. I need to accept it was nothing. It wasn't a sure thing.

Signed Patricia Hilton

The Lie





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 So many words were written about you

All about love but now they are through

Knowing you deceived me again and again

Has caused nothing but gut-wrenching pain

I think I actually hate you, I feel nothing but hate

You make me physically sick and have left me in a turmoil state

Knowing I could be so stupid and gullible

I should have read on your face that you were nothing but trouble

I’m laughing at myself, laughing at my stupidity

Laughing at that dumb girl who has now seen the reality

If I saw you I don’t know if rage would overtake me

Or I would walk away and never let you see

The dried up tears that stain my face

And the heart left with a massive empty space

I can do nothing but forget

And I have nothing but regrets

Images of you and your fake words spoken in a snakes tongue

Preying on the innocence of the frivolous and young

I hope you read this with your lying eyes

I hope the hatred reads with a big surprise

Knowing your secret is out and your jig is up

But I know this poem will never make you stop

Because you are scum and you always will be

But luckily I will benefit and be set free

From the pain of loving you and being devoted

However all of us have voted

My heart, soul, mind and common sense

Has decided that the love wasn’t well spent

On a fucking loser like you but at least I have learnt

That a real woman has their love earned

By a kind, caring and innocent soul just like mine

You wanted to break that heart and that is just fine

I will move on but don’t be fooled as I will never look back

Because I fear to see the knife still sticking out and all the little cracks

Left behind from being betrayed but they will soon shrivel and die

Just as my love did the moment I heard the lie

Signed

Patricia Hilton

Soul Mate?

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What do I want in a partner?

Who the hell knows

Everyday a difficult decision or choice

But never anything that grows

If I'm honest I don't know what I want

This is why I leave my options open

Then I toss aside those who will never amount

So that I can keep my weary heart hoping

I don't know what to do, I'm lost

Forever paying the single cost

Judgement is always given because I'm too soft

I never defend my behaviour and seem to let idiots cross

An empty head and an empty heart

This is what solely keeps me alert

I wish I could find this soul mate

Because slowly, it is he who I'm beginning to hate

Signed

Patricia Hilton

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